Friday 14 March 2014
100WC - But when she lifted the lid...By Emily
One day mum was making some cookies and she put them in the jar. She was waiting for them to cool down and when she went away the jar went pop! Mum walked back but when she lifted the lid she saw ice in it. Then she asked the children "did you just put the ice in the jar?" They said "no". She went back and continued making cookies. She put them in the jar, then went somewhere in the house so they could cool down. She came back to see the cookies, but when she lifted the lid they were gone.
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Hello Emily,
ReplyDeleteYour story is very intriguing because it seems like such a normal everyday event, making cookies and letting them cool. The mystery you created when the ice appears and then the next batch of cookies disappears is strange and unexpected. The comparison between the ordinary and the unusual is entertaining to read.
The double use of the prompt phrase is different. The pattern it creates in your writing fits the odd events unfolding in your piece. It makes me wonder if Mum will try another batch? What will happen then? Will the pattern escalate, or change somehow?
My suggestion for making your writing even better is to pump-up the word choices. Try adding some other words that mean the same as 'making,' 'put,' and 'went'. Changing up the word choices but still maintaining the meaning is a great way to engage the reader and keep them interested.
The simple concept with the weird twist makes for an entertaining read.
Thank you for sharing your creativity,
Gina Felton (Team 100, Iowa USA)